Random

Early evening. Just finished dinner. I thought I'd play Bubble Witch Saga before going back to beating my deadline.

It's been some rounds now and I haven't really scored well.  But it no longer matters the way it did some nights ago.

I am happy and I whisper a quiet thank You to God. He's at work on my developing addiction to bubbles and clicks and beating scores of online friends.

Hmmm, I notice this song playing on my iTunes.

I haven't listened to Everything by Tevin Campbell for quite a while. I listen intently as I continue to hit bubbles (I never thought this could be possible but it is). "What would it take to make this loneliness end? What would I give? Everything. What would I do? Anything. What would I give? Everything..."

I realize I am lonely.

Overweight. Diabetic, Cancer survivor. Asthmatic. Eyesight failing. Muscles aching more and more. Bankrupt. But come to think of it, still joking around a lot at home. Binging on yogurt sprinkled with walnuts at Red Mango with Laling. "Talking" online with IACOPs about all sorts of things. Cuddling Diego and feeling the joy of caring for someone really innocent. Exchanging little anecdotes with Ela. Chatting with Mila in between serious work-related discussions. Hugging one of Jenny's kids -- Rupert at one time. Then Marcy. Then putting Young Hun on my lap. Sometimes kissing Bale. Or fixing Nic's hair or Faith's collar. Sniffing Tu Yen's cheek. Staring at Hitomi's and Martijn's wonderful art pieces. And so many other big and small things which I am not sure have value in eternity. I'm in my twilight years and I want to finish right. Never mind happy or sad, just right. 

I squander time. Many times. I feel bad. I feel guilty. I am full of shame in the presence of a loving God. I pray and surrender everything. Only to grab it all back from Him in a heartbeat.

I do online research on such bland, serious topics like community engagement or how to conduct forensic interviews or board development, and on whimsical things like fantastic shoes on sale on Brandsfever. Daily inspirational readings and audiopods. I sometimes go for hours searching and downloading things on MJ. Stories, reports and videos on him as a parent, his love for books, his pranks with friends, his devotion to his fans, his work style and ethic -- and oh, how I love to hear his laughter. That's time well-spent because I gain insights including from one I originally thought would be a most unlikely source!

Tonight I wonder -- will God allow me to meet MJ in the afterlife? A hug and a smile are all I want. And perhaps a little conversation. How wonderful it must be to engage him in small talk. They say he can talk about any subject. What will it be? Psychology, architecture, music, world history, archaeology, or some other subject from the  more than 10,000 books in his personal library, most with his handwritten marginal notes. Scary but how enchanting it must be to listen to him and learn. Because of what I have discovered so far about him, not really knowing MJ sooner will always be among my biggest regrets in life. 

After dwelling on someone who was not but is now so much a part of my day-to-day, I suddenly remember the people who were once part of my life but are no more. I do not know if they're still alive or have left our planet. Again I wonder, this time, on how things would have been had I taken a different turn with some of them.

But I will not exchange where I am for anything.

I am lonely. But God knows I am and understands. He's still here. Consoling. Quietly preparing new surprises for me. I am okay after all. Still lonely. Tearing up but in the arms of a loving God.

I must remember to look up what the Bible says about being lonely.

I guess it's okay. Especially if it draws me to the warm embrace of a God I do not see but who stays anyway. Sometimes, many times, I ignore Him but He stays just the same. Quite often I offend Him but still He stays. Always waiting for that moment when I look His way. Always hoping I would soon start walking towards Him. Arms always ready to take me back again. And again. And again.

Father God, I know You know that at this very moment I am lonely. I haven't felt this way in years. You must be working out something for me again. Something that will not only wash away my loneliness but lead me soaring. The wind in my face, eyes closed, I see the most intense but beautiful shade of dark I have ever seen because Your light is right there in the center. Like some digitally created special effect that no one has ever seen as it's one of Yours. The intense but beautiful dark gently transforms into light, passing through colors of countless shades in a choreography that is at once gentle and exciting. 

You just put on a show for me, didn't You, Lord? To prove to this one of little faith once again that You will really do what's best for her. And tonight, a show I can only see with my heart, bringing a quiet smile into my sadness. It no longer matters that I am lonely. Because I am never alone. You are here. You are always here. Thank You.

Oh, and for this too.